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Politeness
in
Peril: 8
Ways to
Reverse
America’s
Crisis
of
Civility
As
our
society
becomes
increasingly
polarized
and
divided,
cultural
cordiality
is in
crisis.
Without
the
learned
ability
for
communicating
effectively
and
respectfully
with
those
whose
opinions
differ
from our
own,
societal
strife
will
continue
to spur
avoidable
discord.
This as
digital
media
consumption
in the
modern
world is
severely
exacerbating
the
issue.
So
profound
the
problem,
Milan
Kordestani,
author
of the
new
book,
“I'm
Just
Saying:
A Guide
to
Maintaining
Civil
Discourse
in an
Increasingly
Divided
World,”
is
elevating
the
national
conversation
and
taking
this
issue
head on.
Below is
a
straightforward
look at
8
distinct
areas
Kordestani
believes
are not
just
challenging,
but
critically
undermining,
the art
of
maintaining
courteous
communication
in a
world
struggling
with
ability
to
listen—along
with his
tactical
tips for
constructive
conversations
through
civil
discourse.
REFLECTION
The
Challenge:
So many
of us
today
find
ourselves
overbooked
and
overwhelmed,
leaving
little
time to
explore
why
civil
discourse
has
decayed
in our
lives.
The
importance
of
reflection
in
crafting
civil
discourse
cannot
be
overstated.
Without
reflection,
we have
no way
of
understanding
why we
are
engaging
in
discourse,
nor can
we
reflect
on our
behavior
during
debates
and
discussions.
Yet,
reflection
itself
can be a
challenging,
time-consuming
and
stressful
process
as we
uncover
harsh
truths
and
accept
criticisms
about
ourselves.
The
Resolution:
Reflection
is a
process
that
takes
time and
conscious
effort,
and
one’s
biases
and
intentions
become
more
apparent
with
reflection.
It’s key
to
accept
criticism
as a
part of
growth
and to
reflect
critically
on one's
own
thoughts
through
meditation
and
contemplation.
While
examining
the
challenge
of
self-reflection
and
exploring
the
nature
of bias,
Plato’s
“The
Allegory
of the
Cave”
can help
us
understand
why we
develop
biases
and how
they
affect
our
interactions.
For
example,
we may
begin a
discussion
with
someone
assuming
they
have no
knowledge
of a
topic
just
because
they
lack a
degree
or
career
experience
in that
field.
But, our
own bias
in that
situation—just
like in
Plato’s
cave—is
causing
us to
disregard
the
valid
ideas
and
knowledge
that
person
has to
share.
Beyond
Western
stoicism,
we can
also
apply
Eastern
philosophies
to
achieve
optimal
personal
growth.
One
great
way is
to
embrace
the
Japanese
concept
of
kaizen,
or
continuous
improvement,
which
can
promote
incremental
growth
and
steady
progress
toward
self-development
goals.
Zen
Buddhism
also
offers
clear
and
easily
understandable
approaches
to
silencing
the
world
around
you so
you can
aptly
reflect,
which is
beneficial
for
reducing
distraction
while
digging
deeply
into
your
motivations
driving
specific
actions
or
beliefs.
INTENTION
The
Challenge:
Much of
the
problem
with
discourse
today
revolves
around
our
intent:
are we
engaging
in
conversation
to share
ideas,
learn
and
benefit
all
parties,
or are
we just
looking
to score
points
and win
no
matter
the
cost?
While
individuals
with
poor
intentions
can
obviously
disrupt
any
reasonable
conversation,
even
those
with
ambivalent
and
unclear
intentions
can be
disruptive.
Many
people
participate
in
discourse
without
being
aware of
their
true
intent,
nor are
they
able to
control
their
tone or
content
as their
mood and
intent
change
over the
course
of a
discussion.
Even
more
challenging,
some
actors
deliberately
mask
their
intent,
taking
control
of
discourse
and
manipulating
its
progression.
The
Resolution:
It can
be hard
to focus
on
positive
discourse
in a
world
where
argumentativeness
and ill
intent
is
encouraged
or even
rewarded.
Do this
by
always
bringing
positive
purpose
to your
conversations
with the
goal of
embracing
others
and to
engage
in a
harmonious
debate.
Reflection
is also
needed
to
understand
one's
intention
and, if
our
intention
is
ambiguous,
it’s
difficult
to come
to
clearer
conclusions.
Work to
discern
and
solidify
your
intention
by
reflecting
on the
various
reasons
why you
are
engaging
in
discourse
in the
first
place.
Ask
yourself,
“what is
the most
optimal
outcome
desired?”
Discerning
the
intentions
of
others
to curb
intellectual
dishonesty
is also
part of
the
process.
This
includes
better
understanding
body
language,
facial
expressions
and
verbal
cues
that
signal
intent
at the
subconscious
level.
For
example,
if
someone
covers
their
mouth
with
their
hand
while
listening
to you,
it might
mean
they are
holding
back
something
they
want to
express
in the
discussion.
Here,
you can
consider
pausing
and
asking
the
other
person
if they
would
like to
interject
before
you
continue
speaking.
TONE
The
Challenge:
We are
all
aware
that we
use
different
tones in
different
circumstances
to
impart
meaning,
but all
too
often we
fail to
harness
this
tool to
our
benefit
during
discourse.
With the
wrong
tone,
even the
best of
intent
becomes
misunderstood,
leading
to
confusion
and
concern.
We are
often
challenged
with
maintaining
a
cordial
and
respectful
tone in
the face
of
criticism
and
argumentation.
More
than we
would
like, we
lose
control
of our
own
tone,
even as
we
struggle
to
understand
the tone
of those
we speak
with,
leading
to a
spiral
of
unintended
meanings
and hurt
feelings.
The
Resolution:
Tweaking
the
trifecta
of tone,
mood,
and
intention
is a
tool for
better
discourse.
Learn to
assess
your own
tone by
paying
close
attention
to how
your
speech
affects
others
relative
to
volume,
pace,
inflections
and
words
chosen.
Also
reflect
on how
your
tone
correlates
with
your
mood and
stress
levels
and
endeavor
to be
more
controlled
and
intentional
no
matter
what
your
temperament
at the
time.
You can
also
emulate
the
collaborative,
desirable
tone of
some of
your own
favorite
speakers
and
leaders
who are
professionally
trained
in the
art. For
example,
try
watching
TED
talks by
notable
experts,
listening
to how
they use
a
controlled
and
deliberate
tone to
share
knowledge
about
their
industries
and
experiences.
TRUST
The
Challenge:
While we
face the
challenge
of
discourse
in our
personal
lives,
we also
live at
a time
when
trust is
at an
all-time
low—trust
in the
media to
be
unbiased
and
trust
that our
politicians
or
thought
leaders
speak
for our
collective
societal
benefit.
We have
lost
faith in
the
quality
of our
public
discourse,
and
struggle
to trust
the
intentions
of our
collaborators
and even
ourselves.
The
dichotomy
of trust
and
faith is
a key
consideration,
as each
is
necessary
to
regain
trust in
the
process
of civil
discourse.
This is
mainly
because
each
operates
at a
different
social
level,
and the
breakdown
of our
discourse
is
caused
by both
societal
and
personal
pressures.
The
Resolution:
Amid the
notion
of
secular
faith
and
trust,
there is
ample
evidence
that we
as
humans
do have
a strong
desire
to
embrace
respectful
dialogue.
For
example,
there
are
numerous
examples
of
racism
and
bigotry
being
overcome
through
discussion
and
shared
experiences
with
oppressed
minorities,
showing
that
common
ground
can be
achieved
across
any
divide.
View
both
yourself
and
those
you talk
with as
peers
and
equals
on a
path
toward
mutual
understanding.
You can
do this
by
making a
concerted
effort
to
ensure
your own
biases
and
perceptions
are not
prompting
you to
interact
differently
with
diverse
parties.
Also
beware
challenges
like
imposter
syndrome
and
untrustworthy
participation
that can
undermine
the
process.
Utilizing
your own
self-confidence
to
compensate
for
difficult
collaboration
is a
powerful
north
star.
You can
also
reward
trust in
others
by
opening
up and
practicing
transparency
and
appropriately
tempered
frankness
in your
discussions.
Doing so
will
make you
a more
effective
and
authentic
discussant.
ACTIVE
LISTENING
The
Challenge:
Truly
listening
to
others
is
difficult
for
anyone.
It’s
easy to
hear
others,
but
listening
to them
—actively,
with
attention
and with
care—is
increasingly
rare and
challenging
in
today’s
world.
We live
at a
time
when our
“Twitter
fingers”
are
encouraged
to
respond
as soon
as
possible,
without
taking
the time
to truly
listen
to the
perspective
of
others.
Our
fast-paced,
media-oriented
society
has
conditioned
us to
listen
less,
reducing
our
ability
to
empathize
and
connect
with
others.
Even
when we
try to
listen
to the
opinions
of those
who are
different
from us,
we lack
the
tools to
maintain
attention
and
focus,
and we
struggle
to show
that we
are
attentively
listening.
The
Resolution:
Simply
“listening
to
others
more”
does not
solve
the
problem
of poor
listening
skills
and
discourse.
Rather,
growth
is found
through
improving
the
quality
of our
listening.
The real
solution
is
active
listening,
as
opposed
to
passive
listening,
along
with a
true
dedication
to being
attentive
during
discourse.
It’s
best to
listen
rather
than
speak to
foster
respectful
and
productive
discourse.
If you
find
yourself
talking
with
those
who
dominate
conversation,
try
pointing
out the
other
speaker’s
behavior
in a
calm but
direct
way,
like
calmly
and
politely
saying
“I would
appreciate
it if I
could
make my
point
without
interruption.”
You can
also
show
others
that you
are
being
attentive
by
reframing
and
summarizing
their
points
to show
you are
hearing
and
thoughtfully
considering
their
views.
There
are also
alternative
forms of
active
listening,
which
can
include
utilizing
body
language
and
technology
to
communicate
with
those
who are
differently
abled or
speak
another
language.
FOCUS
The
Challenge:
We are
constantly
bombarded
with new
content,
from
social
media to
new
technologies,
all
while
trying
to
navigate
our
day-to-day
challenges
as we
live in
an
increasingly
diverse
and
divisive
world.
As more
and more
people
experience
anxiety
and a
sense of
being
overwhelmed,
finding
focus
becomes
a
greater
and
greater
challenge.
It
becomes
increasingly
difficult
to stay
focused
during
discourse,
even the
most
civil
discussions,
and this
lack of
focus
can
bleed
into
important
conversations
no
matter
how hard
we try.
Specific
mental
tools
and
practices
are
needed
to help
maintain
focus,
as well
as bring
ourselves
back
into
focus
when we
become
distracted.
The
Resolution:
To help
you
master
your own
focus
quickly
and
efficiently,
you can
draw
from
both
Eastern
traditions
and the
practices
of
leading
American
entrepreneurs
to
develop
practical,
real
world
habits
that
support
improved
focus.
For one,
the
concept
of
Ichigyo
Zammai,
a
Japanese
practice
that
hones
your
focus
through
simplifying
your
attention,
can be
helpful—especially
when
paired
with Zen
mindfulness
and
meditative
practices.
Doing so
can help
you take
charge
of your
train of
thought.
Another
helpful
approach
for
staying
focused
through
even the
most
convoluted
or
challenging
discussions
is to
practice
First
Principles
Thinking,
following
the lead
of
modern
entrepreneurs
and
thought
leaders,
for
which
you
constantly
question
processes
in order
to
identify
core
problems
and
solutions.
COMMON
GROUND
The
Challenge:
Discourse
is built
on the
meeting
of minds
as
people
of
different
backgrounds
share
knowledge
for
mutual
benefit.
But,
this
assumes
that
collaborators
can find
some
shared
connections
that
serve as
the
foundation
for
trust,
allowing
even
contentious
discussions
to
remain
cordial.
Unfortunately,
the
polarization
of our
politics
and
media
has only
encouraged
us to
fortify
the
social
bubbles
that we
live in,
putting
less and
less
effort
into
hearing
the
opinions
and
perspectives
of those
who are
different
from us.
As our
society
discourages
empathy
with
those
who are
different,
we have
a harder
and
harder
time
finding
common
ground
and
maintaining
respect
for
those
that we
debate
with.
The
Resolution:
The
first
step to
finding
common
ground
in civil
discourse
is
accepting
that
others
have
different
opinions,
and
empathizing
with
their
experiences
and
perspectives
so that
those
opinions
can be
put into
context.
Find a
human
connection
with
anyone
you are
debating
by being
friendly
and
asking
fun,
personal
questions
to
disarm
and
break
down
barriers
between
you.
Another
powerful
tool for
building
connections
and
finding
common
ground
is
humor.
Sharing
a laugh
can show
mutual
fears
and
aspirations,
reduce
tension,
produce
a sense
of
camaraderie
and
lighten
the
mood.
Also
endeavor
to step
outside
your
comfort
zone and
expand
your
social
circle
to
include
people
of
diverse
backgrounds
and
experiences.
Doing so
can help
you
understand
why an
empathetic
approach
to
discourse
can
bridge
even the
greatest
gaps in
perspective.
MANAGING
CONFLICT
The
Challenge:
Of
course,
civil
discourse
is a
two-way
street
and, no
matter
how hard
you may
try,
disrespect
and
hurtful
language
can
occur.
While we
cannot
control
the
behavior
or ideas
of
others,
it is
possible
to work
with
others
to
handle
disagreements
respectfully
to avoid
poor
discourse.
Our
current
public
sphere
of
discourse,
both in
the real
world
and
online,
is
haunted
by
trolls
and
others
looking
to
sabotage
meaningful
dialogue.
It is
harder
and
harder
to
identify
bad
faith
actors,
and to
separate
them
from
legitimate
critics.
The
challenge
lies in
being
able to
identify
useful
conflict
and
growing
from
those
discussions,
while
protecting
yourself
from
dishonest
or
malicious
speakers
looking
to
hijack
civil
discourse.
The
Resolution:
There is
a real
difference
in
sharing
conflicting
perspectives
with
others
for the
purpose
of
growing,
and
engaging
in
intentionally
malicious
discourse.
The
importance
of
embracing
conflicting
opinions
and
learning
from
collaborative
conflict
is not
to be
underestimated.
Learn to
accept
and
reflect
on
constructive
criticism
by
asking
others
to
corroborate
and
expand
on
judgements
you’ve
received
and
encourage
the
provision
of
substantiating
facts.
Also
refine
perception
skills
to
differentiate
a
valuable
critique
from
belligerent
expressions
by
examining
the
motivations
of the
other
speaker.
One way
to
identify
bad
faith
actors,
even as
conversation
is
occurring,
is to
listen
to their
tone and
examine
how
their
discussion
positions
shift
over the
course
of the
conversation.
Inconsistency
is a red
flag.
Also
strive
to
protect
yourself
from the
double-edged
sword of
social
media
when
looking
through
your
feeds.
Examine
how the
algorithms
can
create
artificial
bubbles,
and open
yourself
up to
embracing
the
differing
opinions
and
ideas of
individuals
and
groups
that
have new
perspectives.
A
practical
technique
for
resetting
discourse
that has
deteriorated
into
outright
conflict
is to
take a
step
back,
disengage,
assess
your own
tone and
remind
yourself
of your
ultimate
intention.
Doing so
can help
you
model
positive
civil
discourse
and
encourage
the same
from
those
around
you.
With
these
insights,
Kordestani
seeks to
instill
a
collective
excitement
to
restore
civil
discourse
and,
with
time,
bring
about a
revolution
of ideas
built on
respect
and
compassion
for one
another.
Through
personal
reflection
and
acceptance
of our
flaws,
we can
begin
the
process
of
improving
our
discourse
and
sharing
our
ideas
with the
world
more
respectfully.
BYLINE
ARTICLE
VERSION
OF THE
ABOVE
WITH ART
AVAILABLE
BY
REQUEST
About
the
Expert
Milan
Kordestani
is
author
of the
new book
“I'm
Just
Saying:
A Guide
to
Maintaining
Civil
Discourse
in an
Increasingly
Divided
World”—a
straightforward
look at
the
history
and the
art of
maintaining
courteous
communication
in an
increasingly
divided
world.
In
I'm Just
Saying,
author
Milan
Kordestani
shows us
that
although
challenging
conversations
can be
unpleasant,
they can
also
help us
grow.
Sometimes,
people
inspire
us to
change
how we
speak,
making
us
better
communicators
in the
process
as we
search
to find
common
ground
with
those
with
whom we
disagree.
Kordestani
uses
contemporary
case
studies
and
personal
experience
to teach
readers
how to
have
constructive
conversations
by
engaging
in civil
discourse—the
idea
that
good-faith
actors
can
reach
consensus
on any
opinion-based
disagreement.
He
discusses
influential
leaders
and
reflects
on his
successes
and
failures
in
creating
The Doe,
an
online
publication
focused
on civil
discourse.
He
addresses
the
challenges
that
digital
media
consumption
presents
when
seeking
common
ground—especially
when
people
are only
digitally
connected.
The
book is
broken
into
sequential
order,
like
modules
of a
lesson
plan.
Each
chapter
tackles
a
specific
aspect
of civil
discourse,
from the
importance
of
active
listening
to the
dangers
of
point-scoring
in
confrontational
conversations.
The
conversational
tone and
writing
style
make for
an
engaging
read,
and the
Q&A
sections
that
break up
the
chapters
provide
a
refreshing
change
of pace.
Kordestani's
personal
anecdotes
make the
book
relatable
and add
another
layer of
personality
and
personability.
He
acknowledges
his own
wealth
and
upbringing
and how
that has
played
into his
life,
not
hiding
from it
but
thanking
it. The
book is
a
conversation,
and the
"Let's
Talk"
section
shows
that he
is open
to
two-way
communication
and sets
a tone
for the
rest of
the
book.
Kordestani
is an
entrepreneur,
writer
and
founder
of
several
companies
who is
redefining
the
meaning
of
success
in
business.
With a
focus on
building
sustainable
businesses
that
drive
positive
social
change
at
scale,
Milan is
a
three-time
founder
who
wants to
encourage
solutions
beyond
his
companies
through
storytelling
and
narration
of civil
discourse.
Milan's
companies
prioritize
transparent
practice,
civil
discourse,
and
respect
for
creatives,
including
“The
Doe”, an
anonymously
published
narrative
publication
launched
in 2019
to
promote
civil
discourse.
Audo,
the only
personalized
career-building
destination
that
lets you
learn
skills
and earn
money at
the same
time,
and Guin
Records,
an
innovative
record
label
that
offers
artist-friendly
deals
and
helps
purpose-driven
lyricists
to
produce
their
visions
while
retaining
control
of their
masters.
I'm
Just
Saying
is an
essential
guide
for
anyone
who
wants to
learn
how to
communicate
more
effectively
and
respectfully
in
today's
polarized
society.
Kordestani's
personal
anecdotes,
practical
advice,
and
engaging
writing
style
make
this
book a
must-read
for
anyone
who
wants to
promote
civil
discourse
and find
common
ground
with
those
whose
opinions
differ
from
their
own.
Milan's
overarching
expertise
in
entrepreneurship
and
civil
discourse
makes
him a
sought
after
expert.
Whether
discussing
the
future
of
sustainable
business
practices,
the
importance
of civil
discourse
in
today's
polarized
society,
or the
art of
entrepreneurship,
Milan
offers
unique
insights
that are
sure to
engage
and
inspire
listeners.
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